the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
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