made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
