is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Let's get the cat blown out
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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