I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
