I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
