My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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