I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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