I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
