You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
