My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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