you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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