I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
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