Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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