A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
