thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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