Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize