Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
