I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
