At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
