So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
