Don't make out with my wife yet
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Randomize
