He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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