my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
