Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We were destined to go to rehab together
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
