I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
