The maid of honor just puked.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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