Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
