Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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