We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
