you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
