Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
