he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
sex in a hospital.. check
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
