so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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