from now on my penis is your penis
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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