sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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