What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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