My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
