SEEEEXXX PLEASE
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
