is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
