We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
