my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
