sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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