i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
