Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
