OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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