You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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