WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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