Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
