I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Randomize
