I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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