I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
