It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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