fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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