if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Actions speak louder than pants.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
