They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize