I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
