there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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