Porn is love you can see.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Randomize
