Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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