The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
