Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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