there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
now i know why i became what i already was.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
